I close the front-door with a heavy thud. I feel the cold air hit my lungs. I shiver. Hard. It is pitch black. And as I turn the key to start the car, the engine whines. The wipers loudly scrape the front windshield, covered in frost. I put the car into drive, with a sigh. My heart, heavy. I'm so tired. I just want to crawl into bed. And no matter how many times I drive this drive, I feel the sharp pang of sadness as I pull away. Every single time. I'm leaving my kiddos for the night. I have a 30-minute drive ahead of me. And I'm headed to my parents' place. A make-shift home that has so graciously been offered to me, in the midst of my divorce. I've made this same drive every day, for a year. Kids at home with daddy. Me, all too familiar with the words that come out of my own mouth: "see you in the morning, my darlings." The pain of this drive cuts deep. And with the reappearance of winter, like an evil-twin back from the dead (fist bumps to you, Days of Our Lives!), I cringe at it all. But guys, this pain? It is the very reason I am digging so deep right now. I am working my ass off, building my own business, pouring everything I have into bringing value to those I serve, in new and exciting ways. Because I am SO SICK of the 30-minute highway trek that leaves me chilled to the bone. And I am SO SICK of being a 36 year old woman, a mom, who is struggling to find her footing. And when you think about it, some of the most successful people in the world have risen to the top, from a place of pain. Oprah Winfrey. JK Rowling. Ralph Lauren. These all-stars are like emotional Judo Masters.....swinging their own pain of poverty and desolation, right over their shoulders with pure momentum. And so while I am am incredibly positive and happy person.....I also know the value of harnessing my own negative emotions, and using them to my advantage. And so I ask you. Where are you numbing your pain with the social painkillers of our time?: TV. Drugs. Alcohol. The weekend. A vacation. In what area of your life are you looking the other way, and pretending your pain doesn't exist? One of the most common culprits? Our health. Are you frustrated with your health? How winded you get after climbing a flight of stairs? Good (well....not good....but stay with me here). Feel that pain. And use the frustration to propel you into action. Are you envious of Patty in accounting who rocks a sleeveless dress (or Kelly Ripa's sexy-as-fuck pipes, while we're on the subject)? Good. Reverse engineer that shit. Ask Patty what she did to get to where she is. And DO THAT. Are you feeling desperation over your low self-esteem, poor body-image, and mediocre sex life? Good. Because you can propel that kind of raging-bull pain, right over you. If you're willing to grab a hold of it. Fall in love with frustration. Befriend your negative emotions. And make the pain of staying the same, worse than the pain of changing, through the simple act of staring it right in the face. Head on. Falling short of your goals? Extrapolate your life into the far future. If you keep living the same way, what will your life look like 5.....10......20 years down the road? Does what you see scare you? Good, get to work.
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Justin Timberlake should not be as successful as he is. The world tells us that we need years of deliberate practice to get good at one thing. And yet JT went from child actor to boyband singer......solo artist to actor.....show host to comedian.....R&B singer to Soul artist. So how did he do it? I would argue that this chameleon has one key trait that we can all learn from: he isn't afraid to get it wrong. Because let's face it. He isn't always right. The movie, Friends with Benefits. His 2018 album, Man of the Woods. The $16 million-dollar golf course he bought, and allegedly sold seven years later for $500 000. Dude does not stay in his lane. And yet he is one of the most successful entertainers on the planet. I see the same fearlessness in my kiddos, who try on different hats, all the time. One day, Clara will be obsessed with yoga.....tree posing at the grocery store, in the bathtub, under a blanket ......and the next day, she'll be a make-up artist who spends hours in front of the mirror, playing around with lipstick shades and the perfect smoky eye (which....in all honesty ends up looking more like Chucky than Cover Girl). Children aren't burdened with the fear of getting it wrong, because they aren't familiar the idea of "this is how we do things around here." As adults, we see a "right way" and a "wrong way," and our ego is simply begging us to avoid situations that put us in danger of doing it wrong. But if we ever want to achieve more, level up, and reach our greatest potential, we need to be willing to feel the discomfort of failure. How tall will a tree grow? As tall is it possibly can. Humans, on the other hand? We have a choice. We can stretch up to the full measure of our potential. Or we can hold back and choose to stay in the underbrush. We have to be willing to reach for more. And that's the hard part. I think sometimes we are told to "love ourselves just the way we are." And although there is merit in feeling gratitude for where we're at right this moment, there is a difference between gratitude and contentment. Gratitude is being thankful for what you have. Whereas contentment is being satisfied with what you have. And it is those who continually challenge their satisfaction, abandon the comfort of a "sure win," and put themselves out there, that reach the greatest heights. Go ahead, girl. Rock your body. Bring sexy back. And get it wrong....over and over again....with the off-chance that you get it so so right, every now and then. My daughter, Clara, is a wild one. She pushes the envelope in every way. And she doesn't let anyone boss her around. She asks for ice-cream in a cone....then eats it from that cone with a spoon. She wears her fanciest red velvet Christmas dress to daycare on a Tuesday in July. She eats soup with her hands. And when you try to slip a t-shirt over her head, to help get her dressed, she rips it off, and puts it back on all by herself. She doesn't let anyone sush her. In any way. Not even her ex-librarian mother who is pretty damn good at "shushing" (full disclosure, I aced the course on "shushing" in grad school). And while I try hard to make sure she grows up to be a decent human being, with values and morals and kindness in her soul....there's part of me that witnesses her fiery attitude, and let's it be. Because how many of us bend over backwards, just to appease others? How many of us alter who we are in order to steady the boat? How many of us quiet our wildness in order to fit in? And truly......how exhausting is it to do all that?! When I think about self-love, I think about coming home to myself. A reunion with the "me" that I sometimes do not allow myself to be. And although sometimes that can mean a little box wine in the bedroom, or some Ben & Jerry's in the bathtub......more often than not, self-love is simply setting down the effort I am putting into being loved or accepted by others. Self-love is letting go of the identities that are keeping me hostage. Self-love is coming back to the centre of my being, and reminding myself that nothing is lacking. And as freeing as this act of metaphorically undressing can be.....it can also be a little uncomfortable. Because all of sudden, we're aware of that part to us that is heavy with disguise. The cable-knit sweater of our lives. We're aware of that area in our lives that we want to be one thing, and are choosing another. We're aware of where it is we are being restrained. But guys, as often as I have seen that glaring reality in my own life.......it has been the greatest gift to be able to recalibrate my course. It has been the greatest gift to be able to feel like I can come home to myself at the end of the day, and not have to off-load the weight of who it is I am pretending to be. For me, self-love has meant turning that sigh-of-relief, that reprieve, that window of me-ness into my entire life, my entire being. Not just being "me" when no one else is around. Sure. No one gets it perfectly right. There will always be ways in which we give in to being the chameleon. But the more we can do the self-love strip-tease, and give ourselves permission to love ourselves first, the closer we will get to true happiness and fulfilment. So go ahead. Be the wild stallion you were born to be. Eat soup with your hands. And walk around as naked as you can! Surprise evyerone around you. And do it all unapologetically! Ever since I can remember, my son Liam has been afraid of the dark. He's had the same moon-shaped nightlight since he was a tiny baby. And so when the bulb burnt out last night, he was thrown into an outright panic. [Insert blood-curdling scream here] I lied in bed with him as he clung onto me for dear life. I brushed the hair from his sweaty little forehead. And I kissed his tear-stained cheeks. We talked about "the dark." And I tried to get out of him what he was so scared about. Of course, it was the same old story. Evil lurks under the bed, and in the shadows. And we simply do not know what's hiding where we cannot see. But that's when our conversation took a turn. I mentioned the moon and the stars and the fireflies in the sky. And right out the blue, Liam said one of the most incredible things I have ever heard: "huh....ya, I guess sometimes we need a little bit of darkness to see beautiful things." Mind. Blown. Certainly, we've all had our fair share of darkness in life. Pain. Fear. Stress. Heartache. Loss. Sadness. But I ask you this. What kind of beauty has emerged out of that darkness? What has become visible to you, only as a result of being in that scary place? I can remember a time in my life when I felt completely depleted. I was giving everything I had to my kiddos, including working at a job that was remarkably unfulfilling....simply because it paid the bills. I would open my eyes in the morning, and be flooded with anxiety. The endless to-do lists. The constant demands. And the feeling of exhaustion, even before I began my day. I would walk around, invisibly cocooned by the things I wanted to control. Thinking that if I kept my worries close, I would be able to manage them. If I kept my fears in plain sight, they would have less of a chance of coming true. I was in a dark place. But out of that darkness, came the most beautiful realization. I have the power to choose to love myself, with everything I have. I have the power to choose to surrender to life, rather than be constricted by it. I realized that I was the one weighing myself down. And that the very act of picking up burden and worry, was causing me to sink, like a rock, to the bottom of the river. The very act of picking up fear, was causing me to live in the very place I was trying to avoid. My ultimate fear was that I would fail as a mother. Particularly if I showed myself some love, and put my own well-being first. But the second I put that fear down, and I began to care for my body, my mind and my spirit......I was freed from my own prison. At the gym, strength is measured by how much weight we can add onto our bar. Yet, oddly enough, outside of the gym, strength can be measured by how much weight we are willing to let go of. How much we are willing to surrender. And much we are willing to drop our own worst fears.....even if we are certain that the boogie-man is just waiting to make his move, the very second our night-light goes out. "How tremendously powerful you are, dear one. Can't you see how much love you can create for yourself? How much suffering you can obliterate?" -- Sarah Blondin, Live Awake Podcast. It is early October. The city is painted with beautiful golden leaves. And like a scene from a 90s horror flick, we round the corner, only to be confronted by a hideous masked man, wielding a bloody butcher knife. It is winter. And it has taken us all by surprise. My kids are ecstatic! All they can talk about is snowmen, and snowball fights, and hot chocolate! Me, on the other hand? I am in the corner, trying not to pout. Hmph. Really, mother nature?! Really?!?! Perspective is everything. And this is a lesson my kiddos remind me of me of, every single day. Positivity is a choice. And it is up to us to call it into action. Sure, you can choose not to find joy in the snow. But if you make that choice, you will have less joy in your life....and still....the same amount of snow. So why not choose to smile about it?! Embracing light over darkness isn't always easy. And there are certain seasons of our lives that may seem impossibly heavy. This past month has been a rough one for me. But even in the depths of heartbreak, I have been able to hold pearls of love in my hand, that I wouldn't have otherwise been able to unearth. There is beauty in everything. If we allow ourselves to see it. And truly, guys? The quality of our life depends on our willingness to choose joy. All too often, we blame outside circumstances for our unhappiness. But in those triggering moments, we can choose to hold the hand of joy, and set ourselves free. One of the most self-defeating choices I used to make as a young mom, was to ignore my own well-being. I would tell myself that my kids needed me, more than I needed me. And over and over again, I would put myself last. Choosing to feel forlorn. Poor me. I was exhausted. I was burnt out. And I was unhealthy, both physically and mentally. But the second I started shifting my mindset towards gratitude, everything changed. All of a sudden, I started to see that I wasn't alone. People were willing and able to help me out. And I actually did have pockets of time in my day that could be carved out as "me time." I was empowered. I priotized my own health. And in turn, I became a better mom, because I was a better me. Negativity breeds negativity. And it was almost as if I had blinders on, unable to see how I was actually creating my own prison. I made the conscious choice to see things differently. With positivty. And it was like a veil was lifted. Aha! I'm not as stuck as I thought I was. And so in those moments that your fiery self wants to wage war on all goodness, shouting form the rooftops about the injustice of it all.....fill your lungs with a conscious breath, and see what it feels like to make a snow-angel in the midst of the snow-storm. The other day, I was at the mall with my 4-year old daughter, and as we walked passed a Victoria's Secret poster featuring a pouty-lipped seductress, all dolled up in sexy red lace, she looked up and yelled excitedly...."Mommy! It's you!" As implausible as "lingerie model" is on my resume.....I willingly bathed in the compliment, secretly hoping that the handsome UPS delivery guy walking by, had overhead it all. I mean, I can't be the only one who believes that children and drunks always speak the truth. I love my body. I love my fitness. And I'm proud of the pipes I've earned. But it's been a journey to get here. And it hasn't always been easy. When I became pregnant with my son, my dreams of being a marathon-running, yoga-loving, aqua-sizing goddess were dashed hard. Debilitating morning sickness, intense cravings for pizza pops, and an extreme discomfort with the way it felt to move with a mini Mohammed Ali upper-cutting my ribcage, meant that I was a couch potato for the first time in my life. Things weren't any different with my second pregnancy. And by the time I was done popping those babies out, I was a round, soft, Pillsbury-dough-boy version of myself. And it was an incredibly tough pill to swallow. I didn't know how to lose the weight and tone it up. And I was overwhelmed with the wild tantrums, and the fruit punch spills, and the raisins in my hair, and the "mommy, mommy, mommy!" I felt frumpy. Everything-but-sexy. And I didn't recognize my own body anymore. I had been active my whole life, and all of a sudden, I was lost. Unsure how to tap into the old "me".....all within the 30 min confines of nap time. But guys, in the throws of it all...in the "who am I" haze.....I knew that I simply needed to move. Not only for the sake of my body, but for the sake of my mind. And this is the exact recipe I followed. Get curious What moves you to move? It's different for everyone. Take the time to explore what gets you GOIN'! Whether it's boxing, cycling, running, bootcamp, yoga, rock climbing, dancing, or spike ball. Life is too short to begrudge your workouts. And fitness needs to stem from the heart if it's gonna stick. For me? That meant that running was out, and hot and sweaty TRX was in. I needed a "fuck yes!" rather than a "fuck....if I have to." Let the Secret Out Tell anyone and everyone about your fitness goals. And then let them support you. Ditch the guilt about asking for help, and know that when you are working out, you are setting the example for your kiddos. Accountability is key. And in order to stay consistent, you want to build your own guillotine, so to speak......meaning, if you don't show up, there will be people banging on your door. My angry mob? The crew who came to class with me every lunch hour. Miss a day? There'd be hell to pay. Don't be dumb If you're gonna commit to working out, you need to make it do-able. Guys? Don't be dumb, and tell yourself that you're gonna hit the gym....45 mins away.....every morning.....at 6 am. Set yourself up for success, and account for real life. Take a hard look at the flow of your day, when you have the most energy, and what is going to be convenient for you. Otherwise, you're just serving yourself up a platter of potential excuses not to workout. My sweet spot? The mid-day workout, 2 blocks away. Nearly impossible to invent a reason not to go. Choosing to move is simple. Battling reasons not to, is tough. And guys, the best thing you can do is create a framework that is going to allow for consistency and follow-through. I am now a full-fledged MILF: Mother In Love with Fitness. And according to my daughter, you will be seeing me in the next Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Angel wings and all. Have you ever wanted something SO bad....and then failed to get it? Have you ever given everything you had.....and it still wasn't enough? Failure is a bitter pill to swallow. And the heartbreak of a lost dream is one of the toughest things we will ever have to endure. Whether it's a devastating break-up, a lost job, a last-place finish, a weight-loss plateau, a no-go chin-up, or a closed liquor mart on a Saturday night (ok....maybe not the last one)....the feeling of shattered hope? Excruciating. Take Perdita Felicien. World-champion hurdler who was favoured to win gold at the 2004 Olympics. Flare gun goes off. Race begins. And on the very first hurdle, she trips and falls. After years of gruelling training. Day in and day out. It was all over in the blink of an eye. And never again did she compete on the world stage. But guys, nothing is ever coincidental. And although there is a time and place for facing pain head on (and trust me....I've been the girl, hunched over her steering wheel, bawling her eyes out while listening to Say Something), when your tear-stained cheeks have dried momentarily, it is the perfect opportunity to ask the question: what am I meant to learn in this situation? For Perdita, the answer is clear. "I'm at peace with it. Because I know what I'm capable of. And a shiny piece of hardware isn't the only symbol of being a world-class athlete." And I 100% agree. For me, the pain of failure has taught me that I am an all-in, never-hold-back, uninhibited go-getter. I am passionate and unbridled and audacious to the core. And if living and loving that profoundly and that deeply, means that I fall harder than those who do not, I am willing to feel that pain. I am a fighter. A fighter for my grandest, most beautiful, most outlandish dreams. And in the face of "no," I am being given the detour to get there. Even if I can't see where that path leads right now. Because I would much rather reach for technicolor than live in the grey. As exciting as 50 shades of it may seem. There is a lesson inside of our failures. And as odd as it sounds, the lesson is that there is even a lesson at all. Life may have to knock you over the head with that lesson again and again......but eventually, it will settle in your soul. Life happens for us, not to us. And I'd like to make the claim that failure happens for us, not to us, as well. We never truly know what we're capable of until we push through discomfort. And what could be more uncomfortable, than failure? And so, I encourage you to take a look at the challenges you are facing. The roadblocks. The failures. And ask yourself, what are you are meant to learn here? Then grab yourself a beer. That you got from the LC. During open hours. Which you now have tattooed on your forearm. Just yesterday, I was driving to the gym with my windows rolled down, and the music cranked (as it always is when I drive alone). I had my “All Me” playlist on, which includes the likes of Pink, Alicia Keys, Kesha, Lizzo and Cardi B. And yes, you’re exactly right. I was belting it out. Sure, there was the odd red-light situation in which the car next door had a bit of a chuckle. But guys, what I’ve learned over the years, is that people are obsessed with themselves. They’re in their own heads. Deep in the trenches of their own worries and fears and reflections. And all that time we spend, marinating in anxiety about what other people think about us? It’s a waste. of. time! Which is exactly why I think “Baby on Board” signs are absolute bullshit. You really think other people are suddenly going to change the way they drive, just because you happen to have precious cargo? No way! They’re late for work. Pushin’ the yellows. Dodging around your “Baby Shark” infested vehicle. Your adorable infant? The last thing on their minds. The web we weave, the thoughts we think……they define who we are. And if we choose to linger in "the-world-is-against-me," "I’m-not-good-enough," "woe-is-me" kind of thinking? We’ll only ever believe those thoughts. And hold ourselves back. Molly Bloom, the notorious ring leader of the world’s most exclusive high-stakes underground poker game, once said that she engages in meditation as a way to make herself “dangerous.” And dangerous in the best kind of way. Because it is the person who can control their thoughts, and become a witness to the negative self-talk, paralyzing doubt, and harsh self-criticism…..that conquers the world! None of us can prevent our gut reactions and emotional responses altogether, but if we can learn to manage the spiralling thoughts of negativity that stem from a place of lack, we will be unstoppable. And this, guys, is the #1 reason why I workout. As much as it is a test of physical endurance and strength, it is a test of mental endurance and strength. And it is the perfect opportunity to hone my positive mindset. Every single time I start to let those “I can’t do this” thoughts creep in, I counteract them with a badass “fuck that….yes I can.” I counteract them with action, and I prove myself wrong. I witness the doubt, and I carry on anyways. Which is a mindset that, with practice, has trickled into my everyday life. I am running my own fitness event (no one will come, I might fail). "Fuck that....yes I can." I am getting my own apartment (I'll never be able to support myself). "Fuck that...yes I can." I am becoming a spin instructor (I won't be good at it, I'll never land the audition). "Fuck that...yes I can." I am publishing a book (people will hate it, no one will read it). "Fuck that....yes I can." It’s about observing the fears, the anxieties, the worries, and concerns over what other people will think, and instead of letting them completely own me......mentally crumpling them up, like a piece of paper, and tossing them aside, when I know they aren’t serving me. How do you sell yourself short? How do you let fear and anxiety rule the day? How do you doubt yourself? Where can you flip the switch, crumple the paper, and tell yourself, "fuck that......yes I can!"? Start practicing the power of deliberate positive thinking. Get yourself pumped up with Lizzo's "Good as Hell." And aim to become the most dangerous person in the room: a mother-fucking mindset ninja. Being a mom is both the best and hardest thing I’ve ever done. It's messy. It's beautiful. It's exhausting. It's life-giving. And every single one of us is winging it. Making it work by the skin of our teeth. The last six years have been an absolute blur. But amidst the sleepless nights and the PAW Patrol re-runs and the bowls of spaghetti on the floor, I've learned SO much about how to live my happiest and healthiest life. And the crazy thing is, my kids are the ones who have done the teaching. 1. Big things can happen in the blink of an eye Kids grow and learn at a ridiculous pace. Milestones happen monthly. Weekly. Daily. And when you take a moment to look in the rear-view mirror, it is absolutely mind-blowing to realize how fast it's all going. I can remember the day my son Liam learned how to walk. At breakfast, he could stumble his way across 3-feet of terrain. And by dinner time, he was nailing the entire length of a football field, like a boss. Training wheels off. One good push. Two-wheeling all-star. Until I had children, I never truly realized the possibility of progress that exists within a single day. All too often, we assume that our big lofty goals are attainable only in a land far, far away. But guys! Your health and happiness can be dramatically impacted in a matter of 24-hours. And you have the power to make it happen. Sign up for that marathon. Go all-in on a plant-based diet. Commit to doing that full-day hike. You can impact change in SUCH a short amount of time. 2. Small things are worth celebrating On the flip side of that coin, my little ones have also taught me that there is so much beauty in the small things. Just the other day, I was walking in the rain with my daughter Clara, and she was in absolutely no rush to get to the car. She was stopping to admire the raindrops on the puddles. She was spinning her umbrella. And she was dilly-dallying to her heart's content. All too often, we are in such a rush to get to the next thing. Always moving, and rarely getting anywhere. How beautiful it is to simply linger. Right here. And to stop chasing the next moment at the cost of this one. How beautiful it is to appreciate the small things. Here and now. Celebrate the wins. No matter how tiny they may seem. And don't cheat yourself out of the joy and happiness that is right in front of you, because you're too busy looking ahead to the next joyful and happy thing. 5 more lbs on the barbell. 3 more seconds in that plank. 1 more push-up from your toes. Break. Out. The bubbly. As a mom, I so often assume that I am the one who is leading the charge. Propagating knowledge. Shaping minds. But I am as much of a student as a teacher. Here's to the little ones of the world, teaching us big kids how its done. To the big wins. The small victories. All of it possible in a single day. A kiss on your neck, right below the ear. Mariah Carey hitting a high D. That one place on your couch where your surround sound system reaches its max effect. The sweet spot. It's a glorious place to be. But for many of us, the sweet spot is something we never actually hit when it comes to fitness. We either go balls to the wall......or we put on the brakes completely. Never quite finding the right groove. The right balance. The right level of consistency. Because we come up with a goal. And then life gets in the way. And all too often, we abandon ship at the first sign of a slight detour. Maybe you ate a piece of cake at your dad's birthday party (ah well, this diet is ruined now). Or maybe you missed your evening run because your had a late meeting at work (fuck it....my entire week is down the drain). But guys, the sweet spot of fitness is out there. And the key to finding it? Getting crystal clear on your end goal, then reverse engineering it. Find your sweet spot each step of the way, then turn up the volume, one notch at a time. Create a roadmap, and allow yourself the opportunity to take it one step at a time, rather than running full tilt, expecting that you'll be able to sustain your breakneck pace, all the way to the finish line. How do you create such a roadmap? Here's how. 1. Define your destination What does healthy look like to you? Do some journalling. Do some daydreaming. And imagine a scene of your life that includes the best, most healthy version of yourself. What does your day, your week, your month, look like? What do you eat? How do you work up a sweat? Where? When? Dream big. And do not sell yourself short. 2. Narrow it down When you have a big dream, it requires you to say "no" a lot. Dreams require time, energy and space in order to make them happen. And we only have so much of all of those. One big lesson I've learned over the past year, is that you have to scale back in order to scale up. And it is so important to be able to prioritize what matters most. Give yourself the grace to let other seemingly important things take a backseat. Don't try to be superwoman. And let the laundry sit. Most importantly, when your best laid plans get derailed, get back on the horse. Every time. Life is going to get in the way. So plan for the bumps. And give yourself a bit of leeway. 3. Hit rewind Break down your ultimate fitness goal into very specific tasks and activities that will help you accomplish it. Remove the fluff. Remove the gristle. And simplify the process as much as possible. Give yourself permission to be a beginner, and try not to race to the blackbelt, right from the start. Step 1. Step 2. Step 3. Step 4. Guys, if there's one thing my kids have taught me, it's the value of taking things one step at a time. My 6-year old son has the goal of becoming an NHL hockey star. And yet, he's totally focused on killin' his cone drills during practice. For now. We've all got it in us to reach the high heights. But it's all about finding that sweet spot, challenging ourselves just enough, then building on that foundation, mile by mile. |
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